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Fast Food Customers Suspected in Sacagawea Heist

by Tryan Hartill

Thieves who stole the bronze statue of Sacagawea likely used some of the money to buy food.

Everyone must eat, and undoubtedly some of the money from the theft would end up at local fast food restaurants, this according to Klatsop County Sheriff spokesman Herb Schwartz.

“The money might be spent on rent, or for alcohol and drugs.”

When asked if some of the money would end up at fast food joints, “Yeah it could, most likely no” “yeah it could”, Schwartz replied.

Dollar Menu Keeps em Coming Back

Most of the experts agree that thieves probably don’t have time to prepare home cooked meals and some days they have to “eat on the run”. The dollar menus offer a quick meal and many times no one even notices a 300lb statue in the back of your truck.

We talked to one of the regulars down at McKings.

“I see some of the people that come through here, I wouldn’t doubt that some of them would steal scrap metal”, says Charlie Buck. “But when you offer these gigantic cheeseburgers for a buck, I don’t blame them for spending some of their loot here”.

Trail Leads to Chicken Nuggets

At the scene, police found a tail-light piece next to the tire marks. Officer PoDunk explains, “We will be sending the evidence to the lab just like normal”. When asked if some of the money from the sale of the statue would be used to buy 5 piece chicken nuggets, PoDunk responded “I sure don’t know where you’re going with this” “Sure.”

Thieves Cut the Same Line of Non-Copper Wire Twice…for the Copper

Recently, local Quest phone service was cut off for almost 2 days. Most likely thieves were the cause of the outage, who were probably looking for scrap copper and undoubtedly would sell the scrap for quick cash and almost certainly spend some of the money at Burger Hut.

We asked Quest Field Director Mike Johnson about this and he replied “There are 2 problems with your thesis, we don’t use copper in our wires and the closest Burger Hut is 483 miles away.” As a follow up question we asked if this scenario was possible “I don’t know how it could be possible” “could be possible” responded Johnson.

Police Asking For Tips

If anyone has any information on the latest theft, call your local Police Station. The criminals may have pieces of metal sliding around in the back of their truck, or gutters hanging out of their backpacks. Since some say the thefts are related to fast food customers, they may have bigger bellies than most and noticeably greasy fingers.

And yes, this is a parody

Jan 22, 08:13 pm | Tryan Hartill
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Click stars to rate this article. Rated 3.3 out of five stars.
This article has been rated 6 times.

10 comments on this article (post your own)

1 On Jan 22, 10:10 pm, Cho Gahm wrote:

Heeeey! Now, who could you be poking a stick at?

Actually, pretty sad that someone would steal this statue. Hopefully, making stab in the dark guesses at who might have stolen it doesn’t hamper their ability to look at all possible reasons and plausible suspects.

Fiber optics for metal? Come on. After a storm like we just had with all of the debris spread all over two states meth heads are going to steal a statue and dig up (or how do you get to these fiber optics) to get this metal?

2 On Jan 23, 05:51 am, The Guy Who Writes This wrote:

I say it was some art collectors. They knew Meth Heads would get the blame this time.

3 On Jan 23, 07:13 am, nootka wrote:

Hm. Someone’s going to have to cough up that reward money to get ME to talk.
Sacagawea dollars. Unmarked.

4 On Jan 23, 08:39 am, THartill wrote:

Now is a great time to steal things.
The Meth-Heads would always be blamed.

But when Joe added the Qwest outage to the article, I just about dropped my laptop.

5 On Jan 23, 10:49 am, cloudfarm wrote:

If Sacajawea and Jean Baptiste bite the scrap saw for meth, the answer to such thievery is to legalize meth. If pot users get a pass via medical marijuana growers in Oregon, that’s probably taken the petty pothead out of the thieving cycle to a great degree—why not do the same with meth freaks? A little corner medical meth operation, cooking down crystal just for those with a state card, probably would take the small-time brass-and-copper thief out of the necessity of theft, thus leaving statues and communications lines largely intact. Let’s try it, huh?

6 On Jan 23, 09:38 pm, THartill wrote:

Great article by the Oregonian today on this issue.

I’d like to think that this NCO post being on the Oregon Live front page all day contributed to them writing the story they did…..either way I give them a major thumbs up.

7 On Jan 25, 10:39 am, nootka wrote:

I think we saw that statue on Mars…?
It sucks that it was taken away, though I don’t want to point fingers just yet.

8 On Jan 26, 09:12 pm, nootka wrote:

http://blog.oregonlive.com/breakingnews/2008/01/sacagawea_statue_found_at_bend.html

They found her and the rugrat. Check out the last line of the article. Think it was french fries?

9 On Jan 28, 06:54 pm, Appollo wrote:

Thank God For Miracles! Richard is finally going to be impeached”“” Who came up with this great idea? Will the 1st Richard Lee Force be out to save him? Thank God for miracles and also will the County Mng be hung out to dry? Will the others be set free except the savior Sam Patrick? Will Tryan have an update on what is happening in Oz? Who is the Democratic Party and the Republicans going to send to the County Chambers?

10 On Jan 28, 09:08 pm, Zeus wrote:

Did Waco let the wacko out? Does Waco’s wacko have no friends in Texas? Does the wacko only feel big if he is pointing fingers at those in positions of perceived authority, and loving it when it looks like they trip? Maybe Waco’s wacko should get back to us all AFTER he sits on in at least 10 committee meetings per month that are purely for the community and after he makes ZERO mistakes or missteps on any of them. This not counting his chosen affiliation with clubs, organizations, groups or religious affiliations. Oh yeah, Waco’s wacko gave up god. WW, you love it in Texas, you are a flip-flopper and a branded ass. You want to yank out of power the very people who are looking at trying to bring in the progress and the family wage jobs you’ve been whining for, but you are too emotionally damaged and mentally challenged to know it. While it would be a pleasure to allow you to once again be a spokesperson for these people (maybe they’ll once again use one of your letters on their “homemade” fliers) this time around everyone will be routinely reminded of your mental challenges and emotional unbalance problems. No more free passes to make your sexually explicit, deeply disturbing remarks.

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